Why am I writing this? As what is supposed
to be my first full marathon approaches, I’ve suddenly developed an injury that
is quite likely to sideline me and keep me from running it at all. This
is something I’ve been training for and heavily focused on all summer
long. Because of this, I’ve been quite
depressed. However, this has also led me
to do a lot of internal reflection.
One thing you may notice if you read through
this, is that something is missing. Throughout, I make no mention of
God. I’m not sure when, but at some
point this had become all about me and I had placed God on the sideline.
As I wallowed in self-pity while my wife and I were talking, we both seemed to
ask the same question at about the same time.
“What if this injury, at this most inopportune time, is supposed to
be a wake up call from God?”
So, with that, I am hoping to take it and use it
as such.
"Actually No, I'm not good"
How many times do we pass by each other, look
each other in the eyes and say something along the lines of "Hey, how's it
going?" usually followed by a response of "I'm good, you?". This
type of exchange has become so common that any answer other than
"good" would seem to violate the "social norm." Which
begs the question, how many people are struggling, searching for the right
opportunity to give a REAL answer other than the "good" that everyone
expects to get in return? This is where
I'm at, and it's time for me to open up and be honest to anyone that cares to
read this.
So let's put it out there right off the bat and
get this thing rolling. Over the last year and a half or so I seem to
have developed an eating disorder, which has led to an exercise addiction and
then followed up with bouts of depression.
Bare with me while I give a little background...
It started out innocently enough. The
company I work for was having a “biggest loser” competition to promote a
healthy lifestyle. Some co-workers needed another person for their team
so I figured “why not?.” I really had no
expectation of losing a ton of weight or doing anything crazy, but being 5’ 11”
and 193lbs at the time, I knew it wouldn’t hurt to lose a few pounds so I set a
goal weight of 173lbs.
To begin with, I cut out unhealthy foods and
stopped snacking throughout the day. We already had an elliptical at
home, so I started out doing 30 minutes every night on that. I eventually
started tracking my meals using an app on my phone. This helped me to learn the calorie content
of various types of foods and really get an understanding of food that I didn’t
previously have. I don’t remember the numbers from each weigh-in for the
competition, but it was working! I was
consistently losing weight at every weigh-in and quickly hit my goal. I was feeling great and the elliptical workouts
were getting easier and longer.
At some point, a friend who was looking to get
back into running learned about me getting into better shape and suggested we
both start training to run a 5k. It seemed intimidating to me at the
time, but also sounded like good motivation to keep up the healthy
lifestyle. I followed a training plan,
continued to watch my diet and track my food, and it wasn’t long before the 5k
race took place. What I learned through this process… apparently I’m good
at running, and fast. It wasn’t long
before I ran a 10k, some more 5k’s and a couple of half marathons. Each time turning in fast times, usually at
least placing in my age group, sometimes placing (or winning) overall.
This eventually led me to sign up for my first full marathon.
On the outside, everything seemed great. I
was still losing weight, running a lot and by all appearances I had simply
adopted a new, very healthy, very active lifestyle.
In reality, things were not “good”...
I’ve never really been “great” at
anything… In school, the most athletic thing I had done was
bowling. Sure, I’m good at my job (at least I think so…), but it’s hard
to explain what it is that I do and it’s not like I get recognized outside of
“professional circles” for it.
I can’t be sure, but I think this is what played
into the addiction that slowly developed as I ran more miles, more races, and
continued to get faster and faster. I was being recognized for my
ability… knowing that people were truly impressed with what I had been able to
accomplish gave me a rush and a great feeling of pride. It drove me to
continue to push harder, run further, run faster.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the line I also
gained a fear. This fear seemingly took over and took control of too many
aspects of my life. A fear that if I stopped tracking what I ate or
stopped running, everything I worked so hard for would come undone.
In my mind, I had created a direct link between
running and eating. If I didn’t run enough, I couldn’t “allow” myself to
eat much, for fear that I might gain a pound or two back. Especially if
it were an unhealthy treat or indulgence (ice cream, cookies, cupcakes, etc).
I use a common app that synchronizes with my
garmin watch to calculate how many calories I’ve burned each day.
Basically, it takes the calories that it determines I need to eat just to
maintain my weight, adds calories burned from additional exercise, and that’s
the total number of calories that you should eat for the day. Then, as you
enter the food you’ve eaten into the app, it subtracts that from your
allowance. The intention is that if you
are looking to maintain weight, you want the number to be close to 0 at the end
of the day… Simple enough, right? Calories in = Calories out.
I became obsessed with these numbers. I
was terrified that I would eat beyond my allowance and gain weight.
Everything I ate would be weighed on a small kitchen scale so I could be sure
that I accurately entered all food, snacks, etc into the app. I would
check the nutrition labels of EVERYTHING.
If we were planning on eating out at a restaurant, I would try to find a
place that had nutritional information available so I could accurately enter
calorie counts for items I would order. If calorie counts were unavailable,
I would make a “best guess” and enter the info, usually making sure I aimed
high “just in case”.
My calorie deficit would continue to get further
and further away from 0.
Eventually, if we were going to a party or just
an informal get-together with friends or family, my anxiety levels would go
through the roof just knowing that there would be “unhealthy food” available,
and I would be terrified that I wouldn’t be able to control my eating and would
over-indulge undoing everything I had worked for. Many times, I would try
to avoid these situations altogether by simply not going. This is something I truly regret.
During those times that I would “slip up” and
let myself splurge on a great meal, or an unhealthy treat, I would have an
incredible feeling of guilt shortly after. Like I had just done something
horribly wrong. This would be followed
by depression, and then likely cutting out a large amount of food the rest of
the day or the next morning to “make up for it.”
At the same time, I was running more and more
miles training for the marathon. My schedule would ultimately look
something like this:
Monday - 6 miles
Tuesday - 10 miles
Wednesday - 9 miles
Thursday - Rest (but usually would still walk 4+
miles)
Friday - 5 miles
Saturday - Long run day, anything from 13 to
eventually 23 miles
Sunday - 7 miles
This schedule on its own is probably not unusual
for someone training for a full marathon, but it was just another part of my
addiction. I would let NOTHING interrupt my running schedule, and if
something did, my anxiety level would once again be insanely high.
I knew in my mind that this was wrong. It
was killing me knowing everything that I was missing out on by doing this to
myself, but for some reason I still don’t understand, I couldn’t stop.
Each time the scale would show me at a lower weight, it became my new line of
what I needed to keep under. Again, I
knew that this had reached a level of being very unhealthy and dangerous, but felt
like it was completely out of my control and something I had to keep
doing.
It’s so hard to explain what was going on,
almost like being a prisoner in my own mind.
Apologies need to be made:
So far I’ve only talked about what was doing to
me, but I know that it was also having a very unhealthy impact on my
relationship with my family, our friends, my coworkers, as well as impacting my
job performance.
I’m so thankful that I have a very loving wife
who has been doing everything within her power to work with me through this,
and doing her absolute best to understand what I’m going through. I know
that I’ve neglected her and put unnecessary pressure and stress on her. Also with my son, who I know I’ve also
neglected spending time with in favor of “having to get my run in”. The times throughout this summer that I
insisted on running for multiple hours, instead of spending time with him, is
time that I’ll never get back. Missed outings with friends and family
because I was worried about over-indulging on something that “I shouldn’t”
eat… The list could go on. To Sarah and Evan, I am truly sorry.
At work, I’m sure that my attitude, temperament,
and focus have all suffered. Days without getting a run, or being tempted
and eating an unexpected cookie or treat (might seem funny, but it has happened
more than once) causing my anxiety to skyrocket. I know that there were
times that this left me with an incredibly negative attitude, short/snappy responses,
and getting angry at seemingly innocuous things. To my co-workers, I am sorry.
I know there are details that I’m missing in
this that I’m sure I could go into, and if anyone would like to talk I am
willing to share and answer any questions that people may have. My hope
in writing this is two-fold:
- That it helps me to realize and better cope with what
I’ve been doing and make corrections back to a more “normal” lifestyle.
- That if anyone else is struggling with something
similar, you’re not alone. Feel free to reach out to me if you just
need someone to talk to who can understand.
At this point, I don’t expect things to be
corrected immediately, but I’m hoping that by putting this out there and making
things public it’ll help me get moving back in the right direction.
No, I don’t plan to quit running. It is
far too enjoyable and I want to continue living a healthier lifestyle. I’m
just hoping that I can find the proper balance between keeping it enjoyable and
not letting it get in the way of all other aspects of my life. I’m hoping
to also achieve the same balance with my food.
I LOVE food, I want to be able to enjoy food without feeling
guilty. I’m sure with time and the
awesome support of my family and friends, I’ll be able to get back to that
point. These habits didn’t develop overnight, so I’m not expecting them
to go away overnight either.