Friday, November 27, 2020

Thanksgiving - The day after


For me, the week leading up to this Thanksgiving was nothing short of terrifying.  As much as I would try to not let it show, I'm sure that it did.  Any time plans were being made for food, my anxiety levels would skyrocket.  Not only do we do one large Thanksgiving meal, we do two.  Sarah's family for lunch, my family for dinner.  LOTS OF FOOD (and not just any food, a lot of my favorites).

The night before Thanksgiving I got very little sleep, agonizing over the thought of what I was going to eat, sure that I was going to eat far too much.  I woke up that morning, and did my best to occupy the time by baking a dessert, picking up the house, and doing my best to be helpful to get ready for lunch.  Then the meals came, anxiety at an all time high.  But I ate lunch, and enjoyed it, and didn't overdo it.

Then we moved on to dinner with my family.  This is when all of the family staples that I grew up with come out and I always used to look forward to.  Going in, multiple times with Sarah's help, I had to remind and reassure myself that "You know what, it is physically impossible for someone to eat 'too much' in one day."  Even throughout the evening I would feel the anxiety start to bubble up, but I was able to overcome it.  So I did eat, and actually ate until I was comfortably full.  And then I also had dessert, and actually ate until I would consider myself uncomfortably full.  And guess what..... THAT'S OK!!  and that's without doing anything that would be considered "intentional exercise".  No walking, no running, no weight lifting, nothing to make me feel like I had "earned the right" or anything.


So that brings me to today, the day after Thanksgiving...  I woke up and I wasn't hungry.  I did end up skipping breakfast, but not because I was trying to convince myself that it wasn't ok to eat or that I needed to make up for eating so much yesterday, I just really was not hungry.  It's honestly been a really long time since I could say I really have not felt hungry.  And it's really quite freeing...  My mind feels so much more clear.  I'm not hyper focused on convincing myself to not eat, or worrying about what I am going to have for lunch or dinner when I do finally allow myself to eat some small calorie restricted meal.

I know that this is just a small step in the right direction, and there will still be ups and downs but I can definitely say that today I'm really feeling up and want to build off of it.  It's just important to remember that as much as I didn't need to exercise or restrict other meals to "earn" the right to enjoy a big meal, I don't need to anything today or tomorrow or moving forward to "make up for it" either.  So today, I hope to continue breaking up my routine and my rules by eating and enjoying another one of the best parts of the holidays... the leftovers.  And yes, that will hopefully be including even more dessert.

Saturday, October 31, 2020

Eggs and Toast

 

I had 2 fried eggs and 2 pieces of toast for breakfast this morning. To most people, that is going to seem like a very strange thing to be proud of, but let me explain...

It's been quite a while since I've written anything. I don't even remember what was in my last post. Let's just say, it's been an up and down struggle. I thought that I could continue running and get everything back under control... I was wrong.

After running my last half marathon, I made a commitment to reduce the amount of miles I was running and to help with that, I also committed to no longer running any competitive events. I thought the lack of a competitive goal would help remove my need to run X number of miles per day/week/month. For a little while, it seemed as though it would work. Once again though, it became a challenge in my own mind... "Well, if I ran X number of miles yesterday, I couldn't possibly run less than that today or it won't be worth it". Or, "it's not my scheduled rest day, I HAVE to get my run in!!".

On top of that mindset, my eating once again was tied to the amount of miles I had run that day and the number of "active calories" that my garmin said that I had burned. The obsessive, numbers driven nature of my mind had turned it into a VERY dangerous but apparently all too common game for people with my type of mindset... "more active calories burned, less calories eaten".

So.... Where am I now and why am I writing this? 3 weeks ago on a Saturday morning, I had breakfast with Sarah and was getting ready to get changed so I could go out and get my regularly scheduled long run in. I kind of had a mini breakdown... I didn't WANT to run that morning, but I felt like I HAD to run. Over the previous month or so, I had hit a point where I would actually dread going out for my daily runs. It wasn't something I wanted to do anymore, but it was something that I felt like I had to do in order to earn my right to eat for the day.

I sat down with Sarah, and we talked it through. That was the day that we decided that the only right decision was for me to quit running altogether. I took off my garmin watch, handed it to Sarah, and she agreed to put it away for me. I can't have anything tracking my steps, calories, etc.

For 3 weeks now, I've not run a single mile. Sarah and I take walks together around town most evenings instead. And you know what? The vast majority of the time, I don't miss it. Occasionally, when talking about past races that we've run or seeing some friends post online, I start to miss it a little. But, as odd as it sounds, I know how bad running is for me. It's actually given me a sense of freedom by feeling like I HAVE to give up time to run every day.

Challenge 1: Give up running - COMPLETE!

Now for the next challenge... Learning what it means to eat normally again. This has been very stressful, but I would like to say that Sarah has been AMAZINGLY supportive and patient, and I couldn't be doing this without her. For so long, I've been in "diet" mode and I've starved my body of what it needs just to survive, let alone be healthy.

Eating disorders are a funny thing. I know they're not all the same, but I'll try to describe what goes through my mind on a regular basis:

  1. In my mind, I've developed a list of "safe foods". Most of the time these are the lowest calorie options available. Think vegetables, egg whites, low carbs, low fat, sugar free options, etc. I know what's "safe" for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. Anything that causes me to deviate from these "safe" foods will cause my stress levels to go through the roof and enter panic mode.
  2. I'm very routine driven. I like to eat my "safe" meals at certain times throughout the day. Again, deviation from this routine causes internal panic.
  3. Hunger plays no role. If it's outside of a "normal" meal or snack routine, I won't give in to the hunger. If I do, I feel like I've somehow failed. I will also try to make up for it by reducing what I eat later, or eliminating a later snack. Again, this is regardless of how hungry I actually am.
  4. My mind is constantly calculating the number of calories in an item and determining whether or not it's "worth" eating or if I've exercised enough to justify eating it. Most of the time, meal selections at a restaurant are chosen based on perceived calorie count instead of what I truly want and would enjoy eating the most.
  5. Along with the foods that I've deemed "safe", I have what are considered "fear foods". These are mostly foods that I absolutely love. Macaroni and cheese, chicken and biscuits, pizza, etc. I think it's mostly based around the idea that I'm afraid that I won't be able to control myself around them and will eat what I consider to be too much. If I know that we are going to be having any of these items for dinner, it will be almost all I can think about throughout the day.
  6. The thought of food is all consuming. Many times, it's all that I can think about. Whether it's dreaming about how much I would love to eat something that I won't allow myself to, waiting for that next time that I'm "allowed" to eat, regretting something I just ate because I thought I ate too much or it had too many calories, or even dreading an upcoming event or meal that I know is outside of my typical routine (sometimes even if it's a week or more away).

These are just some of the things that I'm now working to face head on (again, with TONS of help from Sarah). The reality is that not only do I need to learn what normal eating is again, I actually need to make an attempt to eat enough to gain back some of the weight that I lost and allow my body to rebuild itself.

Why share this? Many people seem surprised that I'm so willing to be as transparent as I have been. Let me be clear... I'm not ashamed at all by what I'm dealing with. It's far too easy for these types of things to be hidden away behind the guise of pursuing a healthier, more active lifestyle. If my experience and willingness to share can help someone else that's going through the same thing, all the better!

So yeah... It's a small victory, and I know that there will be plenty of ups and downs in the future as I try to work through this, but I had eggs and toast for breakfast, and it was great.

Sunday, September 1, 2019

VMworld 2019 HOL Odyssey Competition. We won!!


As VMworld 2019 approached, I received a marketing email from the team at VMware Hands-on-Labs linking me to a blog post talking about a brand new competition this year called “VMware Odyssey.”  It would be a 3 day event, allowing teams to compete against each other by completing specific tasks in the hands on labs while being timed.  I thought it looked interesting, and decided “why not?” (not to mention it appeared that anyone competing would get a decent looking jacket out of the deal.  I’m always a sucker for unique swag.)  As I didn’t know anyone else competing, I filled out the form and left it open to be randomly assigned to a team.

The event schedule went like this:

Monday:  Check in with the Odyssey team and receive a briefing covering the competition schedule, rules, how the system functioned, etc.  24 teams would be split into 2 groups, “Group A” and “Group B”.

Tuesday: Round 1 - Group A would compete first, followed immediately by Group B.  Both groups would start with a lab on vSan.

Wednesday:  Round 2 - Group B would compete first, followed by Group A.  This lab was based on vSphere Performance.  After this round, the field would be cut to the top 12 teams based on the combined times from the first 2 labs.

Thursday:  The top 12 teams compete in a lab on NSX-T for the Semi-Finals.  The field would then be cut in half again, and the top 6 teams would immediately compete in the Finals using a lab on vRops.  The winner would then be determined based solely on the quickest time from this final lab.

Tuesday morning at team check-in would be the first time I would meet any of my team members.  That's when I met Dmitry (@dvmikin).  I would later describe him to my wife as "this crazy Russian dude".  Dmitry was pretty intense and got REALLY into it, which was great.  Our third team member was MIA, and left just Dmitry and I to compete in the vSan round.  Unfortunately, neither of us really had any experience with vSan, but were somehow able to fumble our way through and pull off an 8th place finish.  This is when Dmitry noticed Nick (@nmorgowicz) sitting next to us who was competing solo.  His 2 other team members were also no-shows.  After chatting between the 3 of us, we decided to check with competition organizers to see if it would be possible to merge teams so that we could form a complete 3-man team.  We were told that after the 2nd round was complete, as long as both of our existing teams made it into the semi-final, we would then be able to merge.

On Wednesday, Dmitry and I were able to fly through the vSphere Performance lab fairly quickly as this was a strength of both of ours, and finished 3rd overall in this round. Organizers had thrown in a twist that required creating a virtual machine and enabling Virtualization Based Security on it and successfully getting it to power on.  A number of the teams missed changing the Operating System selection to Windows Server 2016 or newer (or Windows 10) which would enable the checkbox for VBS.  It also had to be followed up by setting the correct memory and CPU reservations to meet the requirements to power it on.  Nick was also able to complete the lab, I believe with a 5th place finish, which would mean we were then able to merge teams and compete together in the semi-finals!

Thursdays semi-final round would have us competing to finish 4 NSX-T based tasks.  Although we all had NSX-V experience, none of us were overly confident in our NSX-T abilities.  Nick had the most experience with the NSX-T based labs, so we decided it would be best if he drove the keyboard and mouse for us.  Dmitry was also extremely dedicated, and had been working in the lab until about 1am that morning cramming in as much knowledge as he could.  Nick did an awesome job driving, and we really came together as a solid team racing to a 2nd place finish in this round.  The three of us were all pretty psyched with such a strong finish and that we made the finals, but I'm not sure any of us really believed we had a chance at the top spot.

The final round would then kick off with 3 vRealize Operations tasks.  The first task was easy enough, use vRops reclamation to delete unnecessary snapshots from the cluster.  The 2nd task would take a little longer, create an alert definition that would take an action once triggered (I don't remember the specific criteria, but it was outlined in the requirements).  This one held us up just a little bit as we forgot to enable the alert definition in the policy after we had created it.  I remember checking the leaderboard after that had validated and saw that we were somewhere around 3rd going into the final task.  The final task required the creation of a super metric that would average the "CPU Usage %" for the entire cluster.  Nobody on our team had any experience with super metrics other than a little bit here and there through the lab environments.  The first couple of attempts failed validation and sent us back to reviewing the criteria.  After the 2nd failed validation, Nick thought to bring up the preview window under the super metric criteria.  He changed just one part of the criteria from "Depth: 1" to "Depth: 2" (ultimately making the metric flow deep enough to apply to the VM's within the cluster) and we saw the preview window update with data!  Nick then clicked the "validate" button and we waited… and waited… and waited.  It was at this point that I started thinking to myself "this is taking much longer, this HAS to be a good sign".  Nick then noticed that the lab manual stated something along the lines of "Be Patient, successful validation could take up to 2 minutes to complete". It suddenly sank in that it could be a reality that we were going to pull this off.  FINALLY, the green window with "DONE" flashed up on the screen and we all jumped up and cheered in excitement!

Three engineers who had met just two days earlier, were able to come together and work as a solid team to win the first ever VMware Odyssey competition.  Each of our strengths would somehow work out to perfectly complement each other's weaknesses, and it was awesome.

I feel as though this is a perfect example of our vCommunity as a whole.  So many people are willing to come along and help each other out with issues, and share their knowledge with one another.

I would also like to thank VMware and the VMware Hands-on-Lab team for putting this competition together.  Like many others, I often find myself dealing with "imposters syndrome".  After signing up for the competition, there were many times that I considered dropping out to free up the spot for someone that would be "more qualified" to compete.  Developers have always had "Hack-a-Thons" to compete and demonstrate their skills, but I'm not familiar with anything similar for us engineers or architects (if I'm wrong, please let me know!).  Having this opportunity to compete, and ultimately win, has definitely (at least for the time being), given me a much needed boost in confidence.

So with that, I would like to encourage ANYONE who has the opportunity to take part in this competition or anything similar to do so.  It was incredibly fun all the way through, provided some professional validation, and gave me the opportunity to meet work with 2 amazing teammates in Nick and Dmitry.  

I sincerely hope that VMware decides to continue and even grow the Odyssey competition in future years!

Friday, March 8, 2019

I'm a vExpert! But how??


Well... How about that...  I was accepted as a vExpert this time around!!  I am really proud and excited to be part of this awesome community.

I'm sure that some people might wonder "how the heck did HE get to be a vExpert??  There's nothing on his blog."  And they're not wrong... as you can see, I only have 1 other post, and it's an old one simply introducing myself.  The good news is you don't need to be a blogger in order to become a vExpert!

So, what did I do?  There are 4 possible paths to becoming a vExpert.


  1. The Evangelist path - this path would be for your public figures... authors, bloggers, public speakers, etc.
  2. The VMware Partner Network path - This would be for employees of companies that are VMware Partners
  3. The VCDX path - For VCDX certification holders
  4. The Customer Path - This is for VMware Customers that are willing to be advocates for VMware within their company, provided customer references, participated in interviews for blog posts/media/etc, and just been an overall champion for VMware.
I decided to go for the customer path.  A large part of this has come from my participation in the VMware Champions community.  I learned about this and joined up at last years VMworld.  It's a community that occasionally posts "challenges" to complete, and rewards you with points that can be turned in towards different VMware Champions branded gifts.  Most of all though, it is used to educate customers, and these "challenges" have connected me with various people allowing me to participate in IDC interviews, and be used as a customer reference for different VMware products that I already use every day.

I also try to keep active on my twitter account.  Don't think that you need to tweet any profound revelation, just be sure to follow the various VMware accounts, other vExperts, etc and like/retweet any content that you find interesting and want to help spread the word.  

Basically, to sum up, BE ACTIVE in the community!  I'm proof positive that you don't have to be a popular blogger (or even blog at all) in order to be accepted.  Just be an active community member and VMware advocate!

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

About me

Welcome to murben.net.  My name is Ben Moore and I'm an IT Systems Engineer located in upstate New York.

I have no idea what this is going to be, or what will ultimately end up here but it was suggested that I start a blog.  It will likely revolve around my day job consisting mostly of VMware products as well as other related enterprise level technologies.

For a little bit of my history, I've worked in one form of IT for the past 18 years (ever since I graduated from high school).  That's right... no college level education here.  I started my career in the year 2000 by working in a little "mom and pop" type computer store which entailed building custom PC's, cleaning up the typical spyware laden machine, etc.  That store eventually closed up shop and left me unemployed for a few weeks.

Around 2001, after the computer shop closed up, I was hired by a regional bank and started out as an entry level systems technician.  This consisted of constantly running user to user correcting desktop issues, replacing PC's, basic end user troubleshooting, etc.  This bank is where I would spend close to the next 10 years working my way up and furthering my education and experience, and would finish out my time there as the Technology Services Support Manager.

After 10 years I realized that I preferred being able to be hands on with the technology rather than managing the people that did.  I decided that it was time to move on from the bank and in 2011 was hired at a local insurance company as a Systems Engineer.  Eventually I was promoted to a Senior Systems Engineer, and ultimately to the Lead Systems Engineer (the position I currently hold).

Throughout my journey, I've been able to acquire the following certifications:

CompTIA A+
CompTIA Linux+
Certified Novell Administrator 6.5
HDI Certified Support Center Manager
VMware Certified Professional - Datacenter Virtualization
VMware Certified Professional - Desktop and Mobility

I've had the advantage of being able to work with some of the top technologies in the industry and form some key relationships over the years.  I love what I do and will hopefully be able to share some of my knowledge and experience through this blog.

Thanks for stopping by!


Thanksgiving - The day after

For me, the week leading up to this Thanksgiving was nothing short of terrifying.  As much as I would try to not let it show, I'm sure t...